


sore, or "going postal"

by TabbyKattene



Series: letter perfect [1]
Category: Drag-On Dragoon | Drakengard
Genre: Epistolary, F/F, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Tags May Change, comedy slowly giving way into feelings, if you don't cringe at least once while reading this I wrote it wrong, on the reader's part anyway, we're just out here having BANTER via LETTERS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22046731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabbyKattene/pseuds/TabbyKattene
Summary: five knows more than zero gives her credit for. five wants more than zero gives her credit for.
Relationships: Five/Zero (Drag-On Dragoon)
Series: letter perfect [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928257
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	1. the first part (letters one through nineteen)

**Author's Note:**

> the working title for this one is "zero has been missing for one slutty, slutty year" but I also write magical girl fanfic and can't exactly have that on my main page. please enjoy it here instead.

> **five,**
> 
> **first of all, let me establish that your dumb plan failed. turns out your personal fucktoys can’t stay quiet about you for long. protip: if he’s trained to scream your name when he orgasms, maybe keep him away from spy missions.**
> 
> **have to wonder how you found out where i’ve been hiding, thought i was doing pretty well all things considered. and for the record, in case you were getting any ideas, i can absolutely kill you on my home turf. and as soon as possible, i’ll kill you on yours.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. next time, send a spy who doesn’t cry during sex.**

* * *

_Dearest Zero,_

_I’m so glad you enjoyed my peace offering! Of course I didn’t lead with the best. You know I like to take my time, keep you waiting, toy around a bit first. I always have been one for the long game, and this is no exception. I mean, just look at this! I waited an entire month for you to feel better before I even sent over a get well soon gift! Which, did I mention, I’m so glad that you used to his fullest potential? Even if that wasn’t much. More to come, dear sister, more to come._

_Of course I knew you were here. The Land of Seas is my domain, and it runs exquisitely if I do say so myself. It’s such a bureaucratic bliss that even Four would stroke herself silly if she read the reports. Of course, paperwork’s not usually my kink (though I’ll try anything once, you know), so I will admit you almost slipped by me. Luckily at a “business meeting” (if you catch my drift) my chief adviser mentioned something about a dragon and a hot piece of ass. I can put one and one together, my dear sister._

_Anyway, I’m much too busy here in the temple to find my way to you anytime soon, but your words have me shivering. You’ve always had a way with foreplay. Or should I say, fiveplay?_

_XOXO,_  
_Your dearest sister and loving admirer Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **do us both a favor and fuck off back to the hell where you came from. you know that not a damn word of that was foreplay. i really am going to kill you. you might as well get down here and let me do it already. if you love me all that much, spare me the fucking effort.**
> 
> **i don’t know what you’re talking about re: dragon. michael’s dead. you and i both know that. your fuckspies probably just were saying some safeword or something and you got excited.**
> 
> **speaking of, this one was better than the last but that isn’t saying much. send someone who can go longer than three minutes if you’re going to bother to send someone to seduce me at all.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. you don’t have to write back to this. the only way i would care is if you were telling me the best ways to kill you**.

* * *

_Sweetest sister Zero,_

_If you remember, the hell I came from was you. I suppose you could say my heart has always been yours? Also, before I forget- of course I would write back! It’s rude to leave a letter unresponded to. Besides, I’ve always had a soft spot for tsunderes. Have you met my disciple? I won’t send him- oh, you’d eat him alive, and I’d only allow that if I could watch. But you two are so similar, You would hate him, but oh goodness, the sex you’d have! I’m almost tempted to send him against myself._

_Of course, what I really want is you against myself._

_You don’t have to hide the dragon, I’m not going to hurt him! I was just making conversation, you know. A bit of innocence to smooth the way between our more interesting conversations._

_As far as my dearests go, I’m working my way up. I hope the anticipation makes you weak in the knees, since I’m not there to make you weak myself._

_XOXO,_  
_Your darlingest, sexiest sister Five_

_P.S. - Our safeword is actually coconut. Remember that, sweet sister._

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i am not tsundere. i actually, legitimately want to kill you. how hard is that to get through your head? what do i have to do? was it actually and really NOT ENOUGH for me to actually try to murder all of you five weeks ago? are you stupid or what? you make mikhail look like a fucking prodigy.**
> 
> **if it wasn’t clear enough, let me spell it out one more fucking time.**
> 
> **I WANT TO MURDER YOU. I AM GOING TO TRY TO KILL YOU. THIS IS NOT A SEX THING. IT’S A DEATH THING. DON’T TRY TO MAKE IT A SEX THING.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. if you are even going to think about responding to this, never send me a messenger who asks me to call him daddy ever again. emphasis on the “ever.”**

* * *

_My curvaceous and lovely Zero,_

_The weather here in the Land of Seas is wonderful lately, at least at the temple. I hope that it’s extended all the way down to your swamp. I know that many people would complain that the winds blowing in are too cold, and the rain will freeze you to the core. But you know and I know that I’ve always been more than happy to find ways to warm myself and others right up. I wish I could be there to help you get warm. How do you feel about roleplay, specifically professors? I’d love to give a hands-on lecture about friction. I think you’d make a very cute naughty little student._

_In your last letter, you mentioned Mikhail. Is that your dragon friend? Adam told me he’s a handsome little boy. At least, I think that’s what he said. He’s had trouble talking with his swollen lips and tongue and his missing teeth. I know pain can be fun, but was it really necessary to punch him that hard? My tits miss his ministrations terribly. Maybe you’ll come take his place? Just kidding… I know you’re busy with whatever you’re doing down there, but a goddess can dream, can’t she?_

_You seemed a little short in your last letter. I hope that recovery hasn’t been too hard on you. Remember to practice self care. I have a handy little acronym I made up to help myself feel better when I’m blue. I’ve never shared it with the others, but I feel like you need it._

_Energy-giving foods (such as proteins and carbs)._  
_Deep relaxation, in the form of yoga and the like._  
_Gifts, little things to get for yourself._  
_Intellectual Stimulation. Do a puzzle, learn a language._  
_Nature, because we all need to go outside once in a while._  
_Gratitude. Practice it and be thankful for what you have._

_So just remember: EDGING makes everything better, dear sister! I hope that helps you as much as it helps me. Of course, I rarely need it. There’s little that a good fuck can’t cure, but from your consistent complaints, I think you might have found something in that vein._

_This letter is getting long, so I’ll let you go. I hope that EDGING helps you, and in case you want to try getting laid again, I sent along another very eager messenger. Have fun!_

_XOXO,_  
_Your most concerned sister Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **like hell i’d ever be the student. i’m not bottoming for you.**
> 
> **NEVER mention mikhail again. if you thought what i did to adam is bad, wait until you see what i do to the next one of your kinkspies who so much as looks at him. he’s a fucking kid and i have enough trouble with him without having to listen to him ask about why the postman’s only wearing a bikini.**
> 
> **did you really dedicate a portion of your day to making a self care acronym out of the word “edging?” and all you got out of my last letter is that i need fucking self care? here. i made an acronym too just for you.**
> 
> **Man i want to murder you**  
>  **Uh-oh i’m gonna go murder five**  
>  **Really planning on killing you, five**  
>  **Die**  
>  **Extremely dead is what you’re going to be when i’m done with you**  
>  **R**
> 
> **hope that helps.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Most gorgeous Zero,_

_Creative acts are, of course, also a form of self care. They fall into my new, shorter acronym (FUCK), which I won’t get into just yet because I’m still working out the kinks (as ever). I hope your acronym was as fun to make as it was to read._  
_Your correspondences make my day. All the ones I get from the other Intoners are no fun at all. Four only writes when she has a budget report or some sort of mandate that affects the rest of us. Three’s are incomprehensible. When Two sends mail it’s either an invitation to the next commitment ceremony she and Cent are having, or it’s a prepaid and addressed envelope to send money in for her orphanage. One doesn’t write. It’s nice to have good communication with at least one of my sisters. You’re good at banter, and I know that if you ever sent me an invitation, it’d be to something fun, like an orgy or a murder attempt._

_Also, don’t worry! I respect children. I think I have some robes in a closet somewhere. I’ll send the next few messengers with something on over their work uniforms. If Mikhail still has questions, tell him he can send his dear Auntie Five a letter, and I’ll explain everything so that you don’t have to._

_XOXO,_  
_Auntie Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i don’t know how you do it. how does every single letter you send me make me want to kill you more? are you using your song? is this some sort of power you have? does whatever makes you so fucking annoying grow as fast as your tits?**
> 
> **how are the others doing? where are they staying lately? i was already planning on going and dropping in on them. surprise visits and all, so much fun, blah blah blah. don’t worry, i’m going to start with you. i’m sure you’ll just love that and not at all realize that i’m being sarcastic and am also going to visit you for the murder.**
> 
> **also, if you’re going to keep sending me your fuckbuddies, i’m just going to tell you a few things that you’re going to have to avoid if you want them returned in one piece. first of all, as i’ve already said: i call no one daddy. the only one who gets called daddy in my bed is me. second of all, and i hate that i even have to SAY this, but the next person who tries to EAT THE FUCKING FLOWER OUT OF MY EYE gets stabbed. third, i’m not into being mistaken for you. next person to call me five gets fed to my idiot dragon. you’ve been warned.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Daddy Zero,_

_So demanding! And so authoritative! I can’t help but swoon at the sheer top energy you’re giving off. Hmm, come to think of things, you’d look stunning in a sheer top, now wouldn’t you? It’s good for you that I’m so versatile. We’ll have a much easier time of it than if we’d have to argue over who was in charge. Of course, perhaps we can switch things up after the first few times? No pressure, though. I’ve always been under your shadow, my dearest elder sister. Being under your fingers is the next logical step._

_I know that your interest in our other sisters is for purely selfish reasons, but as a fellow indulger of selfish pleasures, I’m happy to pass along some of the joy. Enclosed, find a copy of Two’s latest orphanage pamphlet and an envelope._

_I’m sorry my dear friends haven’t been to your liking. Would you like to come to the temple and pick someone out for your own? I know a blonde with a tantalizing soft bosom and an ass that won’t quit. She looks spectacular in yellow, but will blush a pretty pink just for you. If you know what I mean._

_XOXO,_  
_Ever your little darling girl, Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **changed my mind. daddy is a forbidden word. never call me that again. god. i needed to take a fucking shower after reading your letter.**
> 
> **don’t pretend you didn’t know exactly what you were doing when you forwarded me the orphanage info. i wasn’t going to donate anything to two’s dumb orphanage but then my dumbass dragon saw the envelope and he got very upset that i didn’t want to help the children and threatened to go help them himself if i didn’t send the cash and now i’m out my booze money for the month. so thanks a lot asshole.**
> 
> **let’s make one thing clear. you could be the last humanoid person in whatever slutland amusement park you’re running and i would still rather fuck gabriella than you. don’t try to be clever.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My beautiful Zero,_

_I was ever so surprised at the contents of your last letter. I’m fairly certain that this is the first one in which you didn’t in some way tell me how much you wanted me dead. I can’t decide if it’s progress or not. On one hand, maybe you’re warming up to me finally. On the other, I must admit I miss that little hint of danger. I think the spark between us demands a little bit of risk, don’t you?_

_Mikhail is, as ever, an upstanding young man. I’m sure the children are thankful for the alcohol!_

_Also, if it makes you feel better about it, I too would rather fuck Gabriella than myself. Not to say that I don’t think I’m not an excellent lay, just simply… have you seen Gabriella? I shiver in excitement just to think about how that would work. Scales over bare skin? Those teeth just gently pricking you? That voice of hers in your ear? Oh, the idea is bliss. You truly are a woman of taste, prioritizing her. I do hope that after the novelty wore off you’d come back to me, of course._

_I haven’t asked in a while- how are you feeling? Is your recovery going well? When do you think you’ll be up for travel? I’d so love to see you in person._

_XOXO,_  
_Your impatient future lover, Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **you are the dumbest fucking slut i have ever had the displeasure of meeting, and i say that after meeting two. first of all: still wanna kill you. still gonna kill you. just thought that it went without saying by now. i guess not. second of all, i didn’t send the fucking children any fucking booze, i just sent them the money i normally used to purchase booze. and now i’ve got no alcohol, something i really regretted after reading your letter. third, of fucking course you’re a dragonfucker and i don’t know why i expected less.**
> 
> **fourth, you are NOT my future lover. fuck off and die.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My delightful sister Zero,_

_You never did answer my question of how you were, which worries me so much that I decided to send along a bit of a care package. Use it as directed. Substance abuse is a very serious problem and I’d hate to hear that you aren’t following the directions perfectly._

_Don’t beat yourself up. I’m a woman of many surprises and I am up for anything once. Or twice. Sometimes three times. Of course, I respect your hard limits (and am very curious as to both why you have a flower in your eye and which one of my lovelies tried to eat it). But don’t mistake me for having the same! I’m a worldly woman and sometimes that means seeing the beauty in something that isn’t humanoid. Especially when she has a lovely voice._

_Anyway, I’ll let you go early this time. I want you to enjoy the gift I’ve sent. Have fun, dear sister!_

_XOXO,_  
_A very concerned Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **thanks for the wine and the cheese. that was actually great. can’t believe i’m asking this, but where did you get the wine from? i have to get some more. it’s really good stuff.**
> 
> **now that i feel like gagging because i thanked you- absolutely no thanks at all for the chocolate body paint. like hell a real doctor prescribed eating it off the bare chests of the five messengers you sent. and not letting me have the alcohol until after i did it is fucking sadistic. fuck you and fuck your cute tries to be friends with me. i’m still gonna kill you. and then i’m gonna take all your wine.**
> 
> **the one who tried to eat my flower didn’t give me his name before i took him to bed, and i didn’t get it afterwards because he was too busy running from my blade. too bad, i like knowing who’s on my hit list. he had short brown hair and big blue eyes and he’s gonna have a very long scar across his entire body if i ever see him again.**
> 
> **anyway thanks again for the wine. don’t think this makes me like you or want you around.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero, fairest of the fair,_

_I am so glad that you enjoyed my little treat, and yes, an actual doctor prescribed that treatment. Well, she’s a doctor of philosophy and we were talking about our kinks, but does that really matter? What’s important is that you had fun, tried something new, and got some wine out of it. Right?_

_I know exactly who you’re talking about, my dearest sister. Rest assured that he will be punished quite wonderfully. You really can’t blame him though; it isn’t in his nature to deny his appetite. Instead, you can put the blame for his behavior on me. I’m happy to take the consequences- put me in chains, call me your bitch, spank me hard as you can. I’m so naughty for not teaching my associates restraint, aren’t I?_

_As for the wine! I should have answered sooner. It’s from a vineyard near to my temple. It’s a staple of the economy here in the Land of Seas if you’d believe it. If I remember correctly, this particular wine is also One’s favorite. I thought you would enjoy it too- say what you want about One, she has excellent taste in everything except for partners._

_If you come to visit me, I guarantee your safety and my own discretion in regards to all Intoners. I also promise to take you on a marvelously private tour of this vineyard. We would have a grand time, I can promise you that. Think about it._

_XOXOXO,_  
_Hopefully your hostess and always your dear sister Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **like hell i trust you to punish your own in a not-sexy way. and like hell i’m gonna reward you by punishing you. you wanna make things right? send the damn fucker to my door in chains and no i don’t mean the sexy kind with fuzzy handcuffs. i’m going to kill him (and eventually you).**
> 
> **i’m not dumb enough to walk right into an ambush like last time. yeah, like i’d come to your dumb vineyard to find all five of you standing there ready to fight. i’m coming to you again, but not walking into your plan. are you a fucking idiot?**
> 
> **speaking of the others, i changed my mind about that wine. it tastes like dragon piss.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **did you finally give up? did you finally realize that i meant it when i said i was going to kill you? did you finally decide to keep your big idiot brain and your big idiot breasts out of my personal and private business?**
> 
> **even my idiot dragon noticed you haven’t written for a couple of weeks. the dummy’s devastated. he keeps saying that he thought it was nice i had a friend and that if i hurt you i should apologize. i tried to tell him that intoners don’t have feelings but he keeps moping around. i told him we were never friends and never would be. what a fucking moron. but i need him. so i told him i’d send a letter to check on you and make sure you didn’t have any ideas about us getting along.**
> 
> **the wine’s okay i guess. i had another glass or six after the last letter. one aside, my mind could be changed.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **did someone else fucking kill you before i got the chance? or are you just sore?**
> 
> **respond or you’re a coward.**
> 
> **zero**


	2. the second part (letters twenty through forty)

_**DEAR FIVE,** _

_**THIS IS MIKHAIL!!! HELLO!!!! PLEASE TALK TO ZERO AGAIN SHE’S GETTING VERY GRUMPY AND WHEN SHE GETS GRUMPY SHE GETS MEAN.** _

_**ZERO TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU SHE TOLD ME TO SEND THIS LETTER SO I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THAT.** _

_**MIKHAIL** _

* * *

_Darling Mikhail,_

_It was a pleasure to get your letter! You truly are every inch the upstanding young person that Zero told me about. I know that she thinks the world of you. After all, why else would she trust you with such an important mission as contacting an Intoner? You should feel very proud. Let her know that I think you deserve a big reward._

_Feel free to write me again any time!_

_Love,_  
_Your Auntie Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **what the actual fuck? so you’ll write to my fucking dragon but not to me? and worse, you’re giving him ideas. he actually thinks i like him now. what the fuck? i swear i’m gonna get diabetes he’s so sickeningly sweet. it’s disgusting. he’s disgusting. and now i have to put in all this work to make him think i don’t like him again. what the fuck.**
> 
> **and just so you know, i’m not gonna give him any fucking reward. it’s a good thing that he can’t read very well yet so he asked me to read the letter to him. i told him you said he deserves to go outside and leave me the hell alone for a while. so thanks for using big words i guess cause now at least i’ll have five seconds to myself.**
> 
> **anyway did i mention you’re a coward and you’re probably gonna run away like a little whiny baby when i come to kill you?**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero,_

_I’m terribly sorry that I haven’t found time to write lately. I didn’t know it would make you this upset! Given how adamant you were about not visiting me, I never thought I’d have the chance to make you this sore. I suppose I should consider it a victory._

_You’re so cruel to young Mikhail! He sounds delightful, and yet you treat him so poorly. I’ll tell you what. I know a little place, a hidden spa right past the border of the Land of Mountains that Four has never found out about. You should go there and heal and relax and leave Mikhail to his Auntie Five. We’d have a wonderful time I’m sure, and you wouldn’t have to worry about him. Think about it- I’m happy to send you the directions._

_Tell Mikhail I said hello. And work on his penmanship with him, it’s dreadful._

_Sincerely,_  
_Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i’m not going to the stupid spa. you aren’t shoving me off on the dumb land of mountains and four that easily. i’m your problem and i’m coming for you.**
> 
> **and no way are you touching my idiot dragon. fuck that. we’re staying right here.**
> 
> **also hey what the fuck was with your messenger. she didn’t even try to seduce me. she gave me the message and left. you and your fuckslut sexspies are definitely falling short of your usual dumbass whorishness. i’m starting to wonder if you’re sick or something. let me know if you are. i’ll come kill you sooner.**
> 
> **get a grip.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero,_

_I wouldn’t dream of trying to get rid of you. After all, you have the “trying to get my sisters out of the way” market cornered. I’m simply trying to look out for you! It can’t be comfortable in that little shack I’ve heard so much about. Especially not in the state that you’re in. I’m no nurse (well, not outside the bedroom, anyway), but that can hardly be hygienic, can it?_

_Your concern for my health and the health of my associates is simply touching! Especially considering the concern stems from the fact that my associate was not touching at all. I am pleased to assure you that I’ve never been heathier or happier in my life. The sky is clear, the seas are blue, and my breasts are bouncy. Life is good, and I only wish it were as perfect for you, dear sister._

_Sincerely,_  
_Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i’m entirely sure you’re bullshitting me about not being sick because the five i know would take any excuse to claim that she’s sick and needs to go into quarantine alone with me. you’re obviously off your game. if i had two arms, i’d kill you now while you were weak. luckily for you, i only have one arm, and it’s preoccupied with sharpening my sword so i can kill you better later.**
> 
> **get well soon. or don’t. it doesn’t matter in the end if you’re gonna die anyway i guess.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Beautiful Zero,_

_Was the quarantine a suggestion? I know of a doctor’s office that has inpatient services. It’s what you might call a private practice, if you know what I mean. Of course, there are limited beds- by that I mean, there’s one bed. But I’m sure we could work with that. There are no secrets between us, right? I tell you how much I crave your company. You tell me how desperately you want me. Granted, you keep saying you want me to be the first you murder, but luckily for you, I’ve always had a bit of a secret masochistic streak!_

_Let me know. I’ll set up a date for an appointment as soon as you’re available._

_XOXO,_  
_Your oh-so-eager sister Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **glad to see you’re back to your slutty, slutty self. i was starting to get worried that you’d bailed to the cathedral city and left your disciple to poorly imitate you so that i’d think you were still close when i came to kill you. of course, that would require you to have thoughts beyond when your next lay is, so i should have known better.**
> 
> **i’m doing just fine on my own. i’d only go into quarantine with you if i was trying to catch something, not get rid of it. i’m pretty sure dumbass is contagious and i get enough exposure from my idiot dragon.**
> 
> **anyway. good to know you’re still in the same old place and waiting for me.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero, dearest,_

_Of course my thoughts are about the finer things in life, but don’t worry; as a rule, I practice smart sex._

_Are body doubles something you’re interested in? I will admit I’ve dabbled. There’s a few in my employ who have more than passing resemblance to some of our mutual acquaintances. In fact, if you’ve ever had any particular fantasies about One, let me know. I have a very dear colleague who has been absolutely dying to meet you._

_Of course I’ll always wait for you. I’ve been wishing to see you, and you keep making promises and not fulfilling them! Ah, but fate has connected us, and I believe with all of my large, warm heart that one of these days you will lay your head between my tiddies and understand how much I want you. In my life._

_XOXO,_  
_Your warm and well-endowed sister Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **did you really ask me if i have fantasies about one??? did you really think i did??? one is the person i think of when i want to cool myself down. she’s more potent than a cold shower. tell your friend i think she’s hideous and both of you fuck off.**
> 
> **don’t worry, i’m coming for you. it’s just a matter of time.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero, my dearest of sisters,_

_Oh, I hope that you’ll be coming for me._

_XOXO,_  
_Your very own darling Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **fuck you.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Sweet Zero,_

_If only you will._

_XOXO,_  
_Your patient yet eager Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **what sort of pleasure do you get out of these letters? obviously sexual considering your brain is small and centralized in your clit. but what’s even making you continue? you stopped for a while and that could have been it. what makes you want to talk to me? i mean, really. i’ve made it clear that i’d like you better dead.**
> 
> **also, what’s the deal with your messengers? maybe you’re back to your normal slutapalooza shagfest sexcapades, but everyone you send has been all holier-than-thou pure as the driven snow. is four visiting? did she infect you with her never-been-dicked dickishness?**
> 
> **maybe they’re just worn out on you. if my only hobby was to be your pleasurebitch, i would probably never want to fuck ever again. i can understand their pain, as someone who’s also been forced to deal with you. unfortunately for them, i’m a woman with needs, and i’m very annoyed. if you’re going to continue to annoy me, the least you can do is let me get something out of it. in short: send better sexspies.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Dearest and most impatient Zero,_

_I have to admit, I never pegged you for someone who was into necrophilia! Maybe instead of you simply killing me and spoiling my fun, we could try some well-planned temperature play and maybe a few restraints? I can be as cold and stiff as you want me._

_You wound me with your words! And after I’ve been so kind, I thought. My heart has simply oozed warmth, as much or more so as my pussy has! How cruel you can be. But your little bits of sweetness always keep me coming back for more. Maybe my dear Adam had the right idea, Zero. I could just eat you up. I could just eat you out._

_I didn’t want to send anyone who was in the mood to pleasure you. You’ve complained so much that I thought perhaps it was the wrong approach to gaining the peace that truly is all I want in this world (well, besides the other pleasures that this land has in store for me). I’d hate to send another unsatisfactory lover. If you’re so in need of assistance, though, you could always come to my temple and pick someone out yourself._

_XOXOXO,_  
_Again your future hostess, Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **you fucking know i’m not into necrophilia. gross. and thanks a whole fucking lot for forever ruining restraints for me. ugh. i’m going to have to bathe twelve times to be able to even put a belt on again.**
> 
> **you’re sweet as a cavity, five. i’m only going to say this once. kindness is not a good look for an intoner. there’s not a fucking one of us who’s a good person. if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re lying or deluding themself. or both, which means they’re four. even blameless, perfect one is rotten. even three, with her philosophical bullshit. even two with her light and her orphanage. you are no better. neither am i. there’s no reason to act any different.**
> 
> **that’s why you have to die. it’s why all our sisters have to die. because you’re all assholes and you can’t even help it. like my dragon can’t help being an absolute idiot. like i can’t resist fucking your fuckspies even when i know they probably have twelve different contagious diseases. it’s nature. suck it up and deal with it. that’s what i did.**
> 
> **i’m not going to change my mind about killing you. so you can stop acting like you like me.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Zero,_

_If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you have all the determination in the world, and if you’ve determined you’re going to try to kill me, none of my soft, supple charms will ever change your mind. However, the way I see it, life is like a one night stand. Perhaps a weaker person would see it as pointless and not even try since it’s going to be over soon anyway. Perhaps they might try to hold it down past its prime, when the shiny novelty’s worn off and the sun begins to rise. But aren’t one night stands supposed to be about the frivolity of it all? Well, that and the fact that you can indulge in any kink you have with the safety net of knowing it’ll mean nothing in the end._

_Oh my, that’s a very poetic way for me to say I want you to fuck me hard. And if my life ends with the night, at least I can die how I lived- wallowing in pleasure._

_I don’t know if you’re right or wrong. There are better things in this world to think about, like the feelings of your fingers trailing up my thigh, or wrapped around my throat. What I do know is that if it’s all nature, I’m going to indulge. If I can’t change fate, the only thing left to do is enjoy myself. Frankly, most darling sister mine, you’re just my type._

_I’m not acting. I’m begging. Please me, Zero._

_Your obedient servant (should you want me),  
_ _Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **fine. whatever. i believe you.**
> 
> **unfortunately for you, i still have one arm and no desire to leave my home base until i’m fully recovered. so i guess you’re gonna suffer. there’s no way i’m going to make the long fucking hike up to your temple just for a quick fuck, so if you’re gonna try to pretend you’re so wise and kind, use that to guess whatever of your slut agents i’d like back and send them my way.**
> 
> **maybe if you can prove yourself competent in that, i can choke you out or something before i stab you. you can pretend it’s knifeplay.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **another day and still no fucking fuckbuddy. guess you’re all talk, huh? now i have to send this stupid letter with my stupid idiot dragon, which means he’s going to start talking about how i’m being mean, or how much i need a friend, and i’m already pissed off just thinking about it.**
> 
> **seriously, how much of an asshole do you have to be? i’m injured. i’m disabled. my entire body is sore. i can’t believe you’d**

* * *

**_DEAR ZERO,_ **

**_ZERO I KNOW YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER YOU UNLESS I WAS DYING BUT I’M REEEEEEEEEAAALLY BORED AND REEEEEAAAAALLY HUNGRY AND IT’S GETTING DARK AND I KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED BUT I’M JUST A LITTLE BIT SCARED ANYWAY BECAUSE I KEEP HEARING WEIRD SOUNDS COMING FROM YOUR HOUSE AND THERE’S GLOWING EYES THROUGH THE TREES._ **

**_IT’S OKAY THOUGH BECAUSE PASSING A NOTE UNDER THE DOOR ISN’T REALLY BOTHERING YOU RIGHT? IF YOU’RE MAD AT ME YOU CAN JUST IGNORE IT. BUT I REALLY DO NEED FOOD AND MAYBE A STORY BEFORE BED? EVEN IF IT’S ANOTHER ONE ABOUT YOUR MEAN OLD SISTERS. I PROMISE I WON’T COMPLAIN THIS TIME._ **

**_OR MAYBE AUNTIE FIVE COULD DO IT? SHE SOUNDS REALLY NICE! I BET THAT SHE WOULD TELL ME A STORY NOW THAT SHE’S HERE. DO YOU THINK SHE KNOWS ANY?_ **

**_SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU AGAIN ZERO!!!! EVEN IF A DOOR NOTE DOESN’T REALLY COUNT._ **

**_LOVE,_ **  
**_MIKHAIL_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly thank you so much to the friends who are reading this in my editable doc and keep me motivated to work on it through keysmashes and quoting favorite lines. without your power, this wouldn't exist.
> 
> on that note, I hope you caught and enjoyed the references to a couple of lionsenpai's fics in here! :D and thanks especially to her for getting me started with d3. <3


	3. the third part (letters forty-one through sixty-five)

_Darling Zero,_

_Is it forward of me to say you look almost kind when you’re asleep? It’s a good thing I’m leaving- I think you might stab me if you read this while I was still here. And I’ll admit, I haven’t quite had my fill of pleasure yet. From you. From life._

_Anyway, because I’m such a good little sister, I did a little tidying up while you were slumbering. Mikhail helped a little bit with the outdoors work. Everything is organized for you now. I even did the dishes._

_Of course, I couldn’t resist making a few changes. I hope you enjoy them_ ♥ _._

_XOXOXO,_   
_Your lover, Five_

* * *

> **asshole,**
> 
> **what the actual fuck? how many dildos did you manage to hide on your person that you managed to put twelve into my house without me even noticing?**
> 
> **and stop calling yourself my lover.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My sweet-smelling flower Zero,_

_Only twelve?_

_Anyway, as you learned, I’m a very creative person. And you slept oh so soundly! Our past battle really must have exhausted you. I seem to remember that a year ago, you could have gone for round ten without falling asleep on me. Ah, how times change. It’s alright. I’ve more than proven my patience with you._

_XOXOXO,_   
_Your dearest, sweetest fuckbuddy Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **thanks to your fucking antics i’m even more injured when i was before. i don’t know how you got all of this shit onto the roof, but if you haven’t noticed, my house is falling apart. now i have a hole in my ceiling and probably a concussion, and the dumb dragon won’t stop asking questions. and he won’t let me go to sleep more than an hour at a time. how in hell does someone who can’t pronounce the word “concussion” know how to treat one?**
> 
> **don’t worry. my stamina is still building. next time we see each other, you’ll see. granted, it’ll be right before you die. and in relation to how well i can hold a blade. but my point still stands.**
> 
> **unless you prefer it to be quick. maybe it’d be easier that way.**
> 
> **god. what the fuck have you done to me? maybe i am concussed.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Most precious Zero,_

_I’m so sorry that my little prank caused you injury. Shall I return to tend to your wounds? I may not be a doctor, but sex is such a potent painkiller. As is some chemical in saliva, if I remember correctly. If I run my tongue up and down your slit, maybe you’ll feel a little more alive. Or if all else fails, I’m always happy just to kiss your wounds all better._

_I’ve never been one for quickies. If I’m going to possess, I want to savor. There’s so much to enjoy in the curve of your body, the way you arch in the bedroom and the battlefield, and in your sharp, sweet-tasting tongue. Why would I ever want that to be over so quickly? When you come to kill me, let me savor it. Consider it a last wish._

_But isn’t this depressing? Wouldn’t you rather talk about something fun? That friend of mine who looks so much like my dear sister is still aching to meet you. You’re talked about so much I almost have to wonder if she still has any interest in me! Careful, I might pout. It’d be a shame if someone were to kiss my luscious lips when they were like this… or perhaps, take a little nibble…_

_XOXOXO,_   
_Your needy little sister Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **hey dumbass. i literally cannot physically kiss you through a letter. let alone anything else. why don’t you try thinking with something other than your pussy for once? and tell your friend to fuck off. if she looks like one, the only thing she’s good for is breaking mirrors and being terrible.**
> 
> **honestly i almost feel sorry for you. some things aren’t meant to be savored. they’re meant to be swallowed whole and dry. like pills. course, you don’t know shit about dry, do you? with what’s going on between your legs at any given moment, i’m surprised you don’t drown. if you did, it’d save me a whole fucking lot of trouble.**
> 
> **anyway i wasn’t concussed so you’re off the hook for that. but you still caused me to lose a night of sleep, so fuck off anyway.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Perfect Zero,_

_It’s not the first time I’ve ever cost you rest. You weren’t complaining the last time. Well, actually you were, but I chose to believe it was simply part of your sweet and spicy personality. No one calls me names as tantalizingly as you do._

_It’s strange, sister, what your years on me do. I never thought to consider myself second best in the fine art of copulation. But somehow, you’ve made a masterpiece. I want to dip my pretty titties into your mouth like a quill into an inkwell. I want to paint designs all over your skin. I want to do color studies on the flower in your eye and the way it contrasts with the dirt in your hair and your bloodstained belts that lie forgotten on your cold, cold floor. It’s so much crueler than your cute little death threats that you’ve left me wanting more._

_You said some things aren’t for savoring, and you fuck like you believe it. You’re all angles and anger. It’s adorable, Zero! And the greatest spite I can show to you is to savor it anyway. You’ll complain, because you complain about everything. But in the end, you couldn’t respect me if I didn’t disagree with you every now and again. For all you hide behind your insults and scowls, you’re so preciously easy to read, now that I know what to look for!_

_It’s because of this, I have a proposition, and it’s only half like my usual sort of propositions. Let me take you back with me. You can have your very own brooding room at the temple. And your very own breeding room. All the food you want. Fertilizer for your flower? It has to be more comfortable than where you are now. And it isn’t like you’re not coming here anyway. Just come sooner._

_I said I was sweet like sugar. You said I was like a cavity. Even when it hurts you, sugar’s addictive, isn’t it? Come be addicted to me. It’s the best thing for you right now? Be honest with me, with yourself. You need company that’s more fun than a kid dragon. I’m perky, I’m plush, I’m pleasurable, and I’m prepared to provide._

_Of course, I say this, but also, please bring Mikhail along. We’ll find a place for him where he’s well loved and cared for as well. Just far away from my bedroom- the walls aren’t very thick, unlike myself._

_I’m so hoping that you choose to see the wisdom in my offer, unlike the many other times you haven’t. Sending my kisses, in case that helps._

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Your future landlord Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i don’t even know where to fucking start with this one. i could go bullet point through bullet point on why this isn’t going to happen, it will never happen, it won’t happen in a thousand years. i could tell you to stop being weirdly poetic and romantic. i don’t do romance. i fuck. i fuck hard. i stop fucking and go on with my fucking life and there never needs to be any poetry attached because if i wanted any damn poetry i’d hire a bard to follow me around. which is basically like having a second one of my dummy dragon, come to think of it, considering he won’t stop making up songs about how much he loves me which, ew.**
> 
> **i could absolutely say my damn flower does not need any fucking fertilizer, unless you’re volunteering your intestines.**
> 
> **i could say all that but it seems like a lot for someone so dumb she can’t even accept a refusal. so all i will say is**
> 
> **nah.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My Zero,_

_Last time, you cited being too weak to move. Obviously you aren’t. I saw how well you move for myself barely two weeks ago. But in case a long trip is still beyond you, what if I were to tell you how I’ll come?_

_By which, of course, I mean I’ll come with horses and carriages to take you away. I’ll stock them with blankets and pillows, cushions and throws. You can wallow in comfort without so much as standing. All the way to my palace. All the way to me._

_What other reason is there for saying no anymore? You can’t pretend to dislike me any longer._

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Your Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **nah.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. i don’t have to pretend.**

* * *

_Zero,_

_You’re so cruel to me!_

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **yep.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

Five,

I’ve received information that you’re expanding upon your temple. Four is concerned about the economic implications. You hadn’t mentioned anything about expansions to anyone, and the supplies you’ve ordered are worrisome. There’s worry in the Land of Mountains that this might be considered an act of war.

Please consider your next actions very carefully. And of course, let me know your intentions. If they are good, and if your reasoning is, I see no reason anyone might have objections to your continued expansion. If they do, I’ll have words with them.

However, if you were to be declaring war- or, say, harboring a fugitive- it would end badly. Do consider that.

One  
(sent via Eye Messenger)

* * *

_Beauteous One,_

_Have no fear. My constructions have ceased. My plans (for a new dungeon of sorts, or a fun-geon if you know what I mean) fell through quite spectacularly._

_I will be returning my materials shortly. Please send my regards to Four._

_Of course, if you don’t believe me, please feel free to come visit and see for yourself… I love visitors._

_Five_

* * *

Five,

I’ll pass.

One  
(sent via Eye Messenger)

* * *

_Dear Five,_

_I’m so sorry to send this message to you out of the blue, but I’m just so worried about you! Ever since Zero… well. Ever since that incident nearly nine months ago, I can’t shake the feelings that something is going to happen to one of my beloved sisters. I know you’ve noticed that I’ve spent a lot of time visiting with One, Two, and Three. Two especially, ever since the incident. It’s been such a hard year on us, Five. I don’t see why you insist on making things more difficult. Now is hardly the time to be expanding your own temple in search of your own glory._

_Now is a time for mourning, and for action. For us remaining sisters to come together in the protection and purification of this horrible, horrible world. We’ve done it before, and now it feels like everything is falling apart anyway. Like the world has turned against us. Well, I don’t want to let it! I’ve never wanted to fight, never ever! But I will fight for One and for anyone else who stands with her, as all six of us were meant to do together._

_Of course, this is why I don’t want to believe that you would ever stand against me. I don’t want to imagine our peaceful daily lives disrupted by war. I especially don’t want to imagine that another of my own sisters could be behind such an act. Of course, with whatever has taken over our Zero, and with poor Two’s current state, I can’t rule anything out._

_Please, Five, prove to me that you’re still my innocent little sister. One has assured me that you’re stopping your constructions on your temple. I’m sure you understand it that I’m still worried. Please knock it down within seven days of receiving this letter. I don’t want to be forced to consider your construction an act of war, you know._

_Love and kisses,_   
_Four_   
_Ruler of the Land of Mountains_   
_All Hail_

* * *

_My most precious sister Zero,_

_Perhaps I’ve made an error, built to a crescendo too quickly. For someone who prides herself in the chase, I think I’ve let you catch my eye too much. Maybe you’re bored with me?_

_Not to talk business when we could be talking pillows instead, but perhaps you want to speed up healing that cute little ass of yours. It seems our sisters are getting a bit antsy. If you don’t hurry up and come to fight me soon, Four may just beat you to the punch. What a surprise, that the sweet Four could even consider punch! Punching me, or drinking a punch. Both might be good for her. Therapeutic._

_Speaking of therapy! I hope you’re doing well! My last couple of messengers seemed satisfied enough, and you’ve hardly said enough to even begin to complain. Of course, if you need any more expertise, you know just what to say and just where to find me._

_XOXO,_   
_Your dearest Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **the only thing i’m bored with is your constant repetition of the same old same old. you fucking know i can’t move in with you. did you think it’d help me get attached to you? or are you just dense? are you just that desperate? just that horny? just that, i dunno, lonely?**
> 
> **don’t you dare agree that you could be lonely. you have a disciple and some bitch who looks like one and a bunch of fuckspies who moan if you so much as slam a door in their face. you wouldn’t know loneliness if it slapped you on the ass and called itself your slut. the only kind of loneliness you could know is if there was, i dunno, some pretty girl named lonely ness… and you know her biblically. i guess. this sounded a lot better in my head. don’t say a fucking word about it or else.**
> 
> **and stop worrying about me! i’m not my dummy dragon, who wouldn’t know how to take care of himself if he had a thousand years and an instruction manual to help him figure it out. i’m almost healed. almost ready. and you’ll be the first to know when i’m truly ready. that’s a promise.**
> 
> **your last few messengers weren’t great but they didn’t ask for us to basically get married, so it’s an improvement on you in a lot of ways. of course, if you’re really so concerned about their performance, you could always teach them that trick with that little braid of yours.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_Softest and most desirable Zero,_

_If you’re bored with what I ask of you, I’ll find new things to say. I’’ll tell you how shiny your sword is. How easily it looks like it could cut through your clothing, one layer at a time, opening you up like a pretty little present just for me! I love to see your skin. It’s white and pink, like your hair and eyes, so temptingly colored like a valentine. And you like to make yourself believe I find you unwelcoming. I can see it in your words. You don’t know how wrong you are. It’s a little known fact about me that one thing comes close to the joy of sex in my approximation, and that’s puzzles. What fun that with you I get both of my loves in one convenient, slim, sweetly blushing, dirty talking package?_

_Actually, I have Lowell and Inez, not Lonely Ness. I’ll tell them you said hello, but I’m certain that Prim will get jealous._

_It’s a promise? You’ll definitely let me know? I can’t wait to be just as rough with you as I want to be. I’ve hated having to hold back. It’s going to be fantastic to pull your hair and scratch down your spine without having to worry that you’re too delicate for all of that. We’ll have a grand old time of things whether it’s a fuck or a fight or both at once. I’m all teeth and nails and heart for you, dearest Zero._

_I so look forward to meeting you once more._

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Your sweetest, sluttiest Five_

_P.S. - I will never, ever teach anyone that trick with the braid. It’s all mine, and if you want to experience it again, you know what you have to do._

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i have to admit, as much as i have trouble finding things about you to like, you do always amuse me with your utter inability to make anything not horny. you were just so close with complimenting my weaponry. you almost had it. and then you got weird and romantic and then. well. it’s wild. i’m almost impressed. i mean, i’m not impressed by it, but i’m about as close as i can be given the scenario.**
> 
> **who the fuck are lowell, inez, and prim? what the fuck is this paragraph? i’ve never told one of your stupid spydoll slutbrains hello in my life and i don’t fucking intend to start now.**
> 
> **don’t worry. i’ll be rough with you too when i grasp your breast with my hands and dig the nails in so i can get a good grip on you, keep you still while i ram my blade into your gut. or something.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. selfish asshole.**

* * *

_My very own Zero,_

_Selfish asshole? For not disclosing my own very special secrets? So mean! Well, in theory, anyway. In practice I do love it when you call me names. Almost as much as I love it when you scream my name. Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to have you moaning “selfish asshole” at me as I bring you to climax? It would be apt. I want to gather up every moment of your pleasure and keep it all for myself. All those adorable faces, every hitch in your breath! Oh, sister, you’re so delicious!_

_All your promises of roughness just make me moan. If only you were here. Pull my hair, spank me. If all you can say for my letters is that they annoy you, then prove it. Give me everything you’ve wanted to give me since we began writing! Teach me every lesson you’ve ever wanted to teach me. You said once, so long ago, that you’d never be the student. You would never bottom for me, you made that clear. Then take the lead. Teach me everything. Oh, Zero, make me yours!_

_After all, having you like that is so much better than not having you at all. I can hardly stand the anticipation of your letters. I crave every hastily written and awful word you pen. Fill my head and my pussy alike with the skill of your fingers, dear sister!_

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Your own wet and wonderful Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **trust me (fuck, i hate even suggesting that you should. don’t trust me, that’s a stupid idea for a stupid dumb person. well usually. this time maybe it’s not). trust me that you don’t want to know everything. let me spell it out. you have less than two months left to continue living your dumb slut life if i heal correctly. as much as i literally HATE to admit it. you SOMETIMES have a brain. and as much as i REALLY hate to admit it, i actually think it’d be easier on both of us if you didn’t. the things i’m going to do are evil. or at the very least, they’re cruel. but i’m still gonna do them.**
> 
> **so five, as i’ve been saying, you’re going to die. and frankly, it’s better if you don’t know why. if you know why, you’ll spend your last months broken and boring. why would you do that when you could slut it up? however much you annoy me, these letters at least seem to give you some twisted joy, so keep writing them, i guess. whatever kind of monster i am, i would never ask any of you five to passively wait to die for months. you have a life to live, so goddamn live it. i won’t take it away until it’s time to.**
> 
> **so i guess what i’m saying is stop asking me questions, dummy. you’ve got two months, go fuck a dragon or something wild like that.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My Zero,_

_Against everything, including your own advice, I do trust you. Of course I do. I put myself in your hands every time we fuck. You’re the only person I trust to kill me, and I trust that you will. And if your last letter did anything, it made me trust that you have a reason._

_You don’t want to kill me, do you? Well, on some level of course you do, but if that, whatever it was, was a nonissue, you wouldn’t consider holding a blade against me unless we were both into it. You’ve changed towards me in this last year. It makes me happy._

_You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I know you have the emotional intelligence of a dust mote. Anyway, just take away from this letter that I do trust you’re acting for the best, and I want to live life to the fullest until then, which means mostly that I want to continue with these letters. I have to admit that poking fun at you is the second greatest joy I have in life, right after some other forms of poking._

_XOXOXOXO,_   
_Your Five_

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **you are the most infuriating fucking person i know. i specifically tell you not to trust me and you do anyway. is this a kink thing? are you some sort of brat and managed to keep it from me? asshole, hiding up in your temple and being dumb and infuriating.**
> 
> **in any other world i’d refuse to kill you just so i could look at you and laugh at whatever dumbass thing you’d do next. idiots continue to be born in this world to entertain everyone else, else you’d have died out by now. and you’re the most entertaining person of them all.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_My Zero,_

_If I were to take my knife and cut your insults out, it would almost sound like you like me! I believe I said a couple of letters ago, you have the emotional intelligence of a mote of dust, and that theme does seem to continue. I’m beginning to think, however, that I need to spell things out for you. Of course, you’re not going to like this. You may even stop talking to me. But if I’m going to die in seven weeks, I think I’d like to at least baffle you one more time. You’re so cute when you’re flustered! I may not be able to see it, but I can imagine your pretty little face even now._

_So! Here is my perception of the situation. I’m in love with you- unbelievable, isn’t it? That I could love and not just make love?_

_Of course, it gets wilder. From your lovely letters- don’t worry about confirming or denying this, though I know you’ll deny it- I think that you’re in love with me too._

_I wish I could see you right now somewhere other than in my imagination. Your face must be precious. More so than usual._

_~~XOXOXOXOXO~~ Love,_   
_Five_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	4. the last part (letters sixty-six through ninety-seven)

> **five,**
> 
> **you just said that to get on my nerves.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Dearest Zero, _

_ I meant every word. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **take that the fuck back.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ I will not. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **god you asshole don’t fucking do this to me. fucking. what did i do to deserve this. i’ve done nothing but play into your hands. i’ve fucked you. i’ve written to you. i’ve let you live, even though i probably could kill you by now. what the fuck did i do to deserve this. what the fuck are you trying to achieve?**
> 
> **stop lying to me. stop lying to yourself.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ My heart is aching in a way that I cannot express. Any word I put to paper you twist like a ringlet of my hair around your finger. You make me sound bitter and evil and cruel and frankly, pathetic. Perhaps I am some of that, but I don’t intend to be. _

_ I have such little time left for pleasure. Pleasures of the flesh are losing their allure. Allow me my pleasures of the mind and heart while I might still possess them.  _

_ I want so desperately to possess every pleasure, because you are my every pleasure. You’ve said you don’t want me to live broken. I put myself in your hands, Zero darling. If you want me whole and unbroken, don’t break me. Mind or heart. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i never learned what to say to love. and i’ll be fucking damned if i’m gonna start now. but you will never possess me, and i won’t be your fucking hero. i can’t be. if what i say and do breaks you, you are more delicate than i think you are, and not nearly as fun.**
> 
> **that said, yeah. i won’t do anything undue. i’m not in this shit for a good time. not this time, anyway.**
> 
> **god. i don’t even know what to say to you anymore. i hope you weren’t expecting me to tell you ~~i~~ ~~love you too~~ i can’t even write it fuck.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ Then don’t be my hero. Be my Zero, my most precious sister. Do not save me; deliver me. Give me these last six weeks to love you, and don’t say a word you don’t mean, but let me think every word you cannot say. And when the final day ends, penetrate me. Fingers, sword, it’s all the same when you find the person you can trust in, when you find love. _

_ But please. Do not let my words make you falter. I don’t ask that you return my words of affection. All I ask is that you keep writing to me. Please. _

_ All my love, _

_ Five _

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ Please. Don’t spite me. Please. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **calm your tits. i’ve been busy. my arm’s back, bitch.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ I’ll forgive your lapse in prompt letters if you tell me all about what you can do with that new hand of yours, my darling. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **fuck you.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Sweet Zero, _

_ Have we not been through this gag already? Or was that a genuine offer? _

_ Love,  _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **what the fuck do you think?**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My dear, lovely Zero, _

_ I am never sure what to think with you. You won’t admit your love, that much is clear. Understandable really. It’s much more comfortable to talk about lust. And I could, all day. I would become a priestess to your hair as I spool it around my fingers, biting down on your shoulder as though your blood was the holiest of wines. I would let you trace your scriptures and strictures along my pert little ass. I would moan your name in prayer.  _

_ We are all goddesses, and you especially deserve to be worshipped as one, my darling Zero. I will sing your name in praise. But alas, all devotees are eventually utterly enamored, and I am no better.  _

_ I suppose in the end, the answer is clear. _

_ It must be a genuine offer. _

_ My place, or yours? _

_ Waiting oh so very patiently, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **sometimes i can’t believe how much of a dense idiot you are. and i can’t understand how you can allow yourself to continue to feel the way you feel even knowing this is gonna end real fucking bad. for you for sure. and for me if i let myself feel this sappy shit.**
> 
> **but i did say i wasn’t going to crush your dreams. i may be a monster but i’m not that much of one.**
> 
> **in fact, i’ll even try to say something nice for you.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My Zero, _

_ Yes? What is it, my cupcake? _

_ Love, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i said i’d try. never said shit about succeeding.**
> 
> **i guess you’re pretty funny. amusing at the least. entertaining.**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. if you ever call me cupcake again i will carve your eyes out of your skull and hold them against an actual cupcake until you can tell the difference. and i will feel no remorse while doing it.**

* * *

_ Dearest love Zero, _

_ Oh goodness, do you have a way with foreplay! You compliment me about as best as you know how and then start talking blades? How can a woman resist you? Everything about you is a woman’s dream. Every rippling muscle, every brash, rude comment. I’m enamored! _

_ How long is it before I see you again, dearest one? _

_ Love, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **less than a month.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My Zero, _

_ It does hurt so terribly when you’re so laconic. You know that I’ve never been one for quickies. Draw your letters out for me, darling. It’s so disheartening. You don’t sound at all excited to see me. Tell me you are? _

_ Love, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **what, do you WANT me to be excited to see you? it’s gonna be the last thing you ever see. and we both know that. how can you want to see you knowing i’m gonna fucking murder your slutty, slutty ass? for someone so proud of her cleavage, you think you’d want it to remain intact. are you so stupid that you can’t see death when it’s staring down your pussy? are you that fucking dense?**
> 
> **how do you expect me to enjoy it either? are you really this much of a moron, or is this some fetish of yours? roleplay someone with an iq of negative twelve?**
> 
> **i’ll draw my letters out for you not because you asked it but because you can’t read between the lines at all. for someone who fakes being so understanding, you’re really just a whiny, needy little slut, aren’t you?**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My Zero, _

_ You should call me a whiny, needy slut in person next time we meet. I’m so deliciously wet just from your words on the page. Your messy hand has inspired a mess of my own more times than I can count, but this time really takes the cake. _

_ The last time I suggested roleplay, you seemed uninterested. Or was that just about professors and students? Are there other fantasies that interest you? Fantasies where we both live?  Where we can settle down on a farm, perhaps and actually never mind, that doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest. I would settle for a fantasy where you are in my arms and where you wouldn’t rip my hand off for deeming it a bit romantic to weave your hair around my fingers. I would craft not a scarf of your silklike locks, but rather memories that I’d grip with all my being until this world shattered.  _

_ Perhaps for even thinking there’s a chance with you somewhere in this broken timeline… perhaps I am the fool you suggest. But darling Zero, was it not you that made me this way? I can turn my Land of Seas into a world of clockwork order on the streets and sultry chaos in the sheets. Yet, my mind goes blank for you. I’ll be everything you want. I’m your sister, I’m your slut, I’m your corpse.  _

_ When you penetrate me at last, when you give me that final release, my blood will run for you not in the red of sex and lust, but in pink. And finally, you’ll believe what I’ve been telling you for weeks- that I was yours all along. _

_ All my love, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **do you ever stop, you dumb bitch? do you ever consider what the hell you’re saying? you romanticize death. you romanticize me. what the actual fuck, this is as romantic as a fountain of baby dragon piss outside my door. i don’t want to have that imagery of you dying. look. my plan is to bottle up all my emotions about that, and about any other fucking thing, and keep it all out of sight until i’m dead. and when you go on and motherfucking on about how beautifully you think you’ll die, you’re making that really fucking hard. asshole.**
> 
> **i already have to see you ruined once. do you honestly think that i want to see that in my head every time i read your letters? or do you even think? i’d say this is dumb slut hours or something, but i can’t even be turned on by this.**
> 
> **knock it the fuck off.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My dear love Zero, _

_ I do so sincerely apologize. I suppose I never did think of it that way. I wish I could take it back. I’m ever so sorry.  _

_ How long is it now? _

_ Love, _

_ Your Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **two weeks. are you counting down or something?**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, my love, _

_ I want to know how much longer I have to appreciate  ~~ you ~~ things. _

_ Love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i don’t care if you tell me you love me. i mean, it’s gross and i won’t ever say it back, but say whatever the fuck you want, i’m not your mother. just don’t tell me how much you’re looking forward to a blade in your gut just because i’m the one holding it or whatever shit.**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ Then I’ll say that I love you so dearly. I love your ever-present frown, and the way your eyes squint when you are determined. I love the way you speak, the way you move. I love how your pussy contracts around my strap and the sound of your voice when you moan my name, and the clutch of your hand around my neck. I love the way you make me fall apart for you. No one else makes me feel exactly like you do. Not my friend who so reminds me of our dear sister One. Not the millions of girls and boys who call me goddess. Not my own disciple. _

_ Anything else I have to say will stay within what heart I may have (and how much of one I do possess, I do not know, for I have given most or all of it to you). But know that it was always you. Even before I knew it was; even from when our eyes met on the battlefield, surrounded by the rest of our sisters. Even when we tried so hard to get along, to so little success. Even when I saw you gaze upon me in horror only two years ago, like I was some kind of monster. There always was something like love in that veneer of hatred.  _

_ Writing this, I know this won’t elicit the same response of you. You say what you wish with only the emotions you’ve deemed valuable. Anger and lust create your playground, and oh, are they territorial!  _

_ But I challenge you. You were tempted to call me mistress, just once, weeks and weeks ago now in that brief time we were truly together. Will you pretend I still hold such power? Will you do one last thing for me? If any part of you holds any love for me, could you be convinced to show it? For my eyes only, just a bit of something to grip in the few days I have left. _

_ I understand if not. But I hope so. _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i don’t know what you want me to say. i wish you’d given me some kind of template or something. but you won’t make a liar out of me. i keep my promises, and i promised i’d never tell you any of that romantic shit, so that’s off the table.**
> 
> **i guess i’ll say that this has been kinda fun. i don’t know who i’d be if i’d been stuck with just a goddamn stupid dummy dragon and my own damn thoughts. probably i’d have shown up at one’s doorstep begging her to try and kill me. so thanks i guess for making sure i’m alive.**
> 
> **and i guess i can say i was wrong about you. you’re dense as a fruitcake and twice as disgusting, but you can be kind of smart. only sometimes. and don’t let it get to you. as far as i know, neither of us has an inflation kink, but i’m sure i’d hear about it if your disciples decided to jump on your suddenly bigass head.**
> 
> **of all the intoners, by which i am discluding myself because i refuse to be associated with any of you, you are the least ugly. and the least of an insult to the world you’ve decided to try to save. and i guess the most like me, which is in fact a compliment, so you got a little good shit out of this i guess.**
> 
> **i guess what i want you to take to our next meeting is that there’s a chance in some universe that i fail to kill you. and maybe i’d be okay with that. god. maybe we’d be allies, real allies. there’s this whole world where you could travel around in some sick excuse for a sexy nurse outfit and tend to my wounds. you could fight alongside me. and god, we’d win. the world would quiver beneath us.**
> 
> **maybe that world could be this one. but i don’t want to risk what that could mean. so i can’t let that happen.**
> 
> **when you close your eyes, think of that world for me, okay?**
> 
> **yours,**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ Zero, _

_ Thank you. That’s all I ever wanted and more. _

_ How much longer until I see your face? _

_ Always your love, _

_ Five _

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> **i leave tomorrow. so when you get this… soon.**
> 
> **you probably shouldn’t bother writing back.**
> 
> **yours,**
> 
> **zero**
> 
> **ps. in that other world, maybe i could tell you that i loved you too. that doesn’t mean it would happen here though, so don’t get any ideas.**
> 
> **pps. thank you.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the epilogue left! Aaaaaah! Thanks for reading this, and thanks for your patience in waiting for this part of the story! Hope it satisfies. ;)


	5. the epilogue (letters ninety-eight through one hundred five)

Four,

The Land of Seas has fallen. Both Five and her disciple have vanished. Considering the battlefields outside of her temple, I think it’s clear to see what happened to Five. What isn’t clear is why Zero didn’t leave a body behind. She is not the type to quietly dispose of the evidence- she likes to flaunt her evil actions. We must assume the worst, that being that she is somehow using the body.

I ask you to prepare yourself. Surely you are next on her list.

If you receive any further information, please report it back to me.

One

(sent via Eye Messenger)

* * *

Three,

I’m turning to you because you, of all of us, are the most apt at thinking outside the linear and delving into the experimental. Five’s body is missing. Surely Zero killed her. Why wouldn’t the corpse be easily found? Do you know of any uses for the body of an intoner?

One

(sent via Eye Messenger)

* * *

_** one ** _

_** there’s a lot of uses for a body. there’s power and light in a body like fire. but the only fire that can burn brighter than rage and innovation is that of affection. perhaps that’s what you’re looking for. ** _

_** three ** _

* * *

Three,

Of course I know that Five had some affection for the traitor Zero. It was, I’m sure, instrumental in her demise. Yet, I can’t see why that would have anything to do with the current state of her corpse.

Apart from that- be on your guard, Three. There’s bloodbaths in the Land of Mountains, and if the temple is breached, she’ll set her sights on you next. Prepare yourself.

One

(sent via Eye Messenger)

* * *

_**DEAR AUNTIE FIVE,** _

_**I KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEAD NOW AND SO YOU AREN’T GOING TO HEAR ANY OF THIS BECAUSE HUMANS AND INTONERS DON’T GET TO COME BACK LIKE DRAGONS DO BUT ZERO SAID I SHOULD WRITE YOU A LETTER INSTEAD OF BOTHERING HER WITH ALL MY QUESTIONS SO HERE I AM WRITING YOU A LETTER.** _

_**ZERO IS REALLY REALLY GRUMPY WITHOUT YOU. I MEAN EVEN MORE THAN USUAL. AND SHE’S REALLY MEAN TO DITO, I THINK CAUSE HE’S REALLY MEAN TO YOU. IT FEELS MEAN TO BE MEAN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE DEAD AND PEOPLE BEING MEAN TO YOU EVEN WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE MAKES ME SAD. BUT WHEN I ASK ZERO TO MAKE DITO STOP SHE JUST SAYS “IT ISN’T LIKE SHE CAN HEAR IT ANYMORE ANYWAY.”** _

_**BUT SHE DOESN’T LIKE HIM MUCH AND I THINK SHE AGREES WITH ME BUT SHE CAN’T SAY THAT BECAUSE SHE’S THE ADULT AND I’M NOT AND MAYBE I’D GET IDEAS.** _

_**I HOPE THAT DEATH IS LIKE SLEEPING BECAUSE I LIKE SLEEPING. ZERO SAYS YOU JUST STOP EXISTING FOREVER AND I DON’T LIKE THAT AS MUCH. BUT EVEN IF IT ISN’T LIKE SLEEPING, MAYBE IT ISN’T LIKE YOU STOP EXISTING BECAUSE IF YOU DID I DON’T THINK THAT ZERO OR I WOULD REMEMBER YOU. I’M GLAD WE CAN, EVEN IF IT MAKES BOTH OF US SAD.** _

_**MAYBE IF YOU’RE SLEEPING YOU CAN DREAM OF ZERO? AND WHEN SHE’S SLEEPING SHE CAN DREAM OF YOU? AND MAYBE THE DREAM YOUS WILL GET TO MEET UP AND THEN YOU CAN BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS AGAIN LIKE YOU WERE. I HOPE SO. I THINK IT’D MAKE ZERO REALLY HAPPY.** _

_**LOVE,** _

_**MIKHAIL** _

* * *

> Most Exalted One,
> 
> As you have requested, we have been retracing the trail of the criminal traitor Zero and her party. Though the intelligence we’ve managed to gather has been sparse up until now, we’ve found a pair of documents that may interest you, regarding the death of your sister Five. The documents in question are enclosed.
> 
> We await further instructions.

* * *

> **five,**
> 
> ~~**the things you said to me** ~~
> 
> ~~**the things you wrote to me** ~~
> 
> ~~**the way you looked at me** ~~
> 
> ~~**the** ~~
> 
> ~~**when you** ~~
> 
> **fuck you. you’re dead and i killed you and i shouldn’t be writing to a dead woman, not even a reply to a last letter. where the fuck do i even send it. do i burn it? leave it here? send it to your temple anyway? probably not the last one. your fuckspies would either murder me for it or masturbate themselves to death with it.**
> 
> **i’ll see you soon enough anyway. you’ve always been smarter than you look when you bother to use your brain and not your clit. are you happy now? you’ll have forever to annoy me. just like you wanted.**
> 
> **yours,**
> 
> **zero**

* * *

_ My sweetest love Zero, _

_ You told me not to write you back. Lucky for you I’m a bit of a brat, or else what would you have to remember me by? While I am usually fine with just being a fleeting memory of one unbelievable night and undoubtedly dozens more of nice ones with your fingers dancing between your legs, I would die unhappy if I didn’t leave you something more. Therefore, I bequeath my entire toy collection to you. I also wanted to write you one last letter. _

_ I never knew why you were so intent on killing me, but I trust there’s for a good reason. The Zero I know… that self-loathing and yet so self-conceited ball of muscles and anger? She isn’t in it for power and glory. Power and glory would mean that people would spend the rest of their lives exalting you. I might love that, but I cannot imagine that you would. Not when you get irritated if someone so much as looks at you wrong.  _

_ I can only guess at this, but I expect that you expect to follow me soon. I can’t say that the thought pleases me, but I do trust you have your reasons. I trust as well that you have a mission, that it won’t be immediate. If I am correct, I ask that you humor my last request. _

_ Have a lot of sex for me. My disciple is yours, as are any of my other friends. I ask of you one thing, and that is to rail them. And whenever you do, think of me. _

_ But, if you will, think of me in other circumstances too. When you are lonely, or sad, or frustrated. When you are joyful or victorious. My body has to wilt, all flowers do. But while you are still able to do it, hold my soul in your hands. That’s the last thing I give you in this unorthodox will. I give you my memory, and you can do with it as you please, just so long as it doesn’t leave you. _

_ For one last time, I’ll say that I love you. _

_ Yours in death and life and all that comes after, _

_ Five _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH wow it has been Forever and a Half since I finished a fanfic. First of all, thanks to everyone who came on this journey with me... everyone who was reading it. Especially those who were reading it in the original google doc and caught all my silly mistakes. 
> 
> Second of all, I am definitely excited to write more of Zero and Five. I wasn't a huge shipper when I started this but I managed to convince myself and now I'm stuck at sea with these two (please send help). I've gotten a few suggestions/requests to write a happy timeline epistolary fic, which I'm considering. I'm also toying with a few AUs. But I definitely plan on returning to this pairing.
> 
> Anyway! Thanks so much for reading this. I really hope you enjoyed every letter of it!


End file.
